PENKNIFE

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	alarm at 9:30, wake at 8:30, stretch in bed, go downstairs to kitchen, make omelette, give a quarter to a friend, eat the rest, alarm sounds, cycle to uni, shuffle the word order of an essay, print it, fuck around, go to the bar, glance at a man giggling to himself, smoke a joint, go back in, slice an orange, eat it then, go through, the print out, crossing shit, out, daniel walks up saying hey how’s it going, fast talking scurry walking you know what i mean man, he starts up… and i haven't drunk for 3 years, now i just smoke weed, cos i always smoke it, got a girlfriend? cos i had a girlfriend, she was my best friend, then she went crazy though, made me go zany, i said to her listen: i'm thirty it's simple you with me or no? you stay or you go. is that simple or no? this was a while ago, she said i dunno, i felt mad as mud, and i came to the bar, there were just humans being, and there was my girl, with a korean! i smiled in surprise, he switched up the convo, you had a girl, well did you like her? i stopped him right there, i'm going for a piss, don’t mean to diss, ok he said bye, and walked through the door, of him we'll say no more….

i got to the urinal, a sense of achievement, a sense of a glorified victory for me, i fumbled my fly, which was hooked with a paperclip, bent round the button, to stop from fly diving, and as this was happening my eyesight went whitey i tingled my fingers, i staggered aboutey, my foots were a-wobbling inside of my shoe, my knees were a-jiving to knee-jiggler tune, i flopped on my bag on the back of my back, twitched and i break-danced and my foot tore loose, and suddenly a boot, an invisible boot, and invisible foot, and invisible man, kicked in my jaw, and back snapped my neck, and left me there sprawled, and crippled by pain, and blinded by white, and starved of control, but finally at last, i pulled myself up, i held to the sink like a plank in the drink, and sick of the toilet, i hobbled back out and morosely sat down, with high brows of eyes, i imagined the slander: did you goosey gander, oh my amanda, he looked like a mortal, when he went in, but then he came out, he looked like a bin…

that boy was me, i met with my girl, and cycled back home, certain my tendons were torn off the bone, our bicycles ran, i told her i fainted in the toilet and fought an invisible man, she said can you be normal for once and tell me wagwan, why were you painting the toilet, and who was the man, i told her i fainted not painted, and she looked confused, then blew a fuse. i stopped her at that, i lost my essay, and i'm wearing glasses and you’re saying nothing, except nonsense and nothing, i told her i'd noticed her glasses but the essay was news, as she let me go she kissed me but i asked for a hug, a hug is more important if you’re stuck in the mud, i went to my house and told all my flatfriends the truth, why my foot hurts and my disturbance of duelling the youth, they acted surprised and then went to bed, i made i some tea, and then spent the rest of the night smoking my qi, ironing down my confusion.

this week healing gently but still some weak patches.

sometimes events have so much speed in them that it feels like i’m watching them from inside a washing machine. i am a watching machine. for some reason frenzic periods are when my observation skills are most attuned. not a single thing seems to escape me, i’m within and without every moment and detail. it’s the lazy, slow days where i have no understanding of who i even am.